It has been over a week now since sports have been shut down. I have recently taken up the habit of betting on how close the weatherman gets the highs and lows for the next day. The standard is +/- 2.5 degrees. I have lost my entire college savings. Anyway, besides losing my money trusting Micheal Schlesinger, I also came up with this idea, go through a bunch of situations and Pick a Wisconsin/Minnesota athlete who we think would be the best in that situation. Straight forward.
Sidenote: If you are a Wisconsin/Minnesota athlete who, after reading this, would like to sue us for libel, please contact our lawyer David Gruber.
Pick a Player to Carry Out an Assassination
James: You need someone you trust, someone suave, who can talk their way out of a hole and into a party. Someone who looks just as good in a tuxedo as he does in a wetsuit. There is only one true answer, Pat Connaughton. He already kills men on the regular with his high flying antics fit for a circus. Give that man a hit and he will do what needs to be done.
Sam: Pat may be suave, but is he a killer? Pat only resembles Bond until he gets to the actual fighting. I want an intimidator. Someone with crazy in their blood and a known penchant for no mercy even to the seemingly innocent villains. Give me mascot-marauder Robin Lopez.
Jon: Basketball players? Give me a break. You need a goon. An enforcer. Baba Yaga. The Boogeyman. Minnesota Wild winger Derek Boogaard. 6’7” of pure terror on the ice. No man came away from the mean Canadian with all of their teeth.
Go to their cabin deep in the woods to hunt and fish
James: Mike Zimmer came to my mind, he just seems like the kinda guy who would crush a pack of Old Milwaukee and then take you for all you are worth in some Texas Hold’em. Sadly I made the rules so no coaches. I want someone I can trust as my choice, someone I am 99% sure won’t kill me. I also want someone interesting who I won’t grow to hate. Bill Schroeder fits these demands. He already has countless stories he tells on Brewers broadcasts all the time, plus one time my mom yelled at him that he had nice shoes and he said thanks so he seems like a standup guy.
Sam: Cory Knebel. A Texas gut, this seems right up his alley. Honorable mention: OJ Simpson.
Jon: Former Twins closer Glen Perkins is the correct answer here. The real-life Ron Swanson and I could enjoy some glasses of his home-brewed beer around the campfire.
Be your partner in a hot dog eating contest
Sam: David Bakhtiari is a monster. What started as a dominant tackle became beloved in Wisconsinite’s hearts with his beer-chugging at Bucks games. Bakhtiari and I are going to town at a hot dog eating contest. Give us 12 of them hot thangs!
James: Sam has the right idea here picking a lineman, but while “agent 69” can chug the chug, I’m not sure he can eat the eat. Give me the chef master Joe Thomas. Yes he does count, plus if you look at his twitter that man loves to cook and eat, a small issue with his weight loss and becoming fit but that just means he has a chip on his shoulder, something to prove.
Jon: Give me any Minnesota Vikings nose tackle from my lifetime. Specifically, Pat Williams or Linval Joseph strike me as an excellent partner in any eating contest.
Be your wingman at a bar
James: For this, you need a special blend. They cannot be too attractive, but they also need to be interesting and be able to woo a crowd with amazing stories. Also tall enough to stand out in a crowd. Frank Kaminsky is that man. He can regale crowds with his rising up through Wisconsin Basketball History, He can talk about being near MJ, even in the same building for a good chunk of his NBA career. He has a podcast filled with stories, like when he went to Lalapalooza dressed in an afro and beard.
Sam: DJ Wilson. He seems like a fun dude. Tall enough to get attention. Similar age. My guy.
Jon: Ricky Rubio, post-heartthrob days. No one is better at getting assists than the Spaniard. However, it would have to be after he grew out his beard so he isn’t too dreamy.
Give your best man speech
James: This one was hard to come up with, but then the answer dawned on me, like someone shouting it from the heavens. That someone may have been Caleb Meyer but I choose to write this as my own idea. Donald Driver is the most charismatic, most energetic, just best man in the world. He could talk for an hour and the whole room would be clamoring for more. I watch his “Visit Wisconsin” videos when I need reminding we are the greatest state in the union, and he always convinces me.
Sam: A certain charisma surrounds Brent Suter. He exudes energy and just knows how to get people to laugh. I have no doubt that this man would know how to combine humor with more poignant statements. Suter’s dropping that mic with a goosebumps walkaway, but not before making you double over in laughter.
Jon: Former Vikings defensive end (and current Olympic curling hopeful) Jared Allen is one of the most charismatic people I’ve ever witnessed. Allen would definitely give an electric best man speech. My only concern is that his speech would overshadow the entire rest of the wedding day.
Lead a team of Pirates in the 1800s
James: This one was a “phone a friend” with brother and logo master Tim Schaser picking the Wolves great (maybe, IDK) Ricky Rubio. First off, he has an amazing Pirate name, second, a cool accent, and third, he now sports long flowing hair with a man bun. Now if we are being historically accurate when he was a T-pup he looked more like he should be faking an injury in soccer than leading a band of swashbucklers through the Caribbean, but I’ll choose to ignore that.
Sam: He is no longer on the team (RIP) but I’m taking Eric Thames. The man is jacked and mega-intimidating. I could also see Thames talking like a pirate on the regular. That man will take his ship seriously and enforce strict command leading an elite ship.
Jon: Current Twins reliever Sergio Romo. Not only does Sergio have an incredible beard and is a charming leader, but I can definitely see him dressed up as a pirate. I don’t know why, but it seems right. I also got a selfie with him, unrelatedly.
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