Canonization is when the Catholic church declares someone who has previously died has been admitted into sainthood. These saints are seen as having an exceptional degree of holiness, similar to God himself. These saints are supposed to look out for fellow believers in certain matters over which they are saints of. Anyone here who has seen The Rookie, which also doubles as a future biography as to how I will make the major leagues in the future, knows that Saint Rita is the saint of impossible causes. Most saints cover more common everyday occurrences or occupations like cooks (Martha), soldiers (Joan of Arc), builders (Vincent Ferrer), and athletes (Sebastian). Other times there are saints in charge of the more unusual, like fireworks (Barbara), chimney sweeps (Florian), and the internet (Isodore). While not as flashy, these saints were still deemed to be important enough to be considered a saint in honor of this area. With this I would like to canonize various members of Wisconsin Sports History in certain areas in honor of their accomplishments in that specific field. I hereby give you the unofficial list of canonized Wisconsin athletes.
Hernan Perez: Patron Saint of Utility
I will admit here that I may be biased. I have always been a big Hernan Perez fan. I got his autograph at spring training in 2017 on what is quite possibly the most disappointing baseball ever (Perez, Domingo Santana, Keon Broxton, and Orlando Arcia). I once ran into this man at a Walmart late at night and was too scared to say anything to him. Hernan has never done a single thing wrong in his life. And while he is responsible for a career .282 OBP, he played ever position at least once for the Brewers except catcher. He pitched 7 and a third innings for the Brewers! He was just a throw in at the end of a bad game once, he was 7 times! The man did what needed to be done. A jack of all trades, but a master of none. In 50 years, when you're old and reminiscing on past Brewers teams, will you remember Perez as being a guy who would always get on base? Will you think of him as a gold glover who stopped any ball that came his way? Will you remember him launching dingers into the bleachers? No, but you will remember him.
Darvin Ham: Patron Saint of Gravity
Darvin Ham was not very good at basketball by NBA standards. Over his 8 year career he averaged a balmy 2.7 PPG, 2.3 RPG, and 0.5 APG but none of that matters because there is one thing this man could do: jump insanely high and dunk a basketball harder than Wisconsin can choke a bowl game (it hurts but we know it's true). My guy averaged 8.1 PPG and 5.1 RPG at Texas Tech and shot .494 from the charity stripe but somehow made a team because he shattered a backboard in a game against North Carolina and winning the collegiate dunk contest later that year. Nowadays he's back in Milwaukee as a key member of Mike Budenholzer's coaching staff. He also has one of the greatest answers I've ever heard. When asked before a game with the Bucks what his vertical was he responded with a single word. "Unbelievable" Iconic. (Honorable Mention here to Desmond Mason who could also yam)
Eddie Lacy: Patron Saint of Pot Lucks
Eddie Lacy is a shooting star that will forever live on in Packers lore as what could have been. The 5'11" 230 lb. Alabama star was taken in the second round in the 2013 NFL Draft by the Green Bay Packers. While not very fast (ran a combine 4.64 40'), the man was massive and had demolished college competition averaging almost 7 yards per carry over 3 years. His first two years with the green and gold he rushed for over 1,100 yards with 4.1 and 4.6 ypg and 11 and 9 TD. What happened next was injuries which led to his inevitable leaving of the Packers. His entire career rumors of his trouble keeping off weight as well as his known affinity for food swirled about (He loved to tweet about Chinese food). And while Lacy had a short career, it was not easily forgotten. Even though he was a big running back in Green Bay, he was our big running back. You do you Eddie.
Brandon Jennings: Patron Saint of Confidence
Bucks in 6. That's all that needs to be said about Jennings. If you're a Bucks fan you've seen the interview and I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "Sam, what's he supposed to say? He's just trying to be confident in his team because he couldn't say they were gonna lose." and while you're slightly right, this man gave it a slogan. He looked at that reporter and told him ever so casually how in 4 games, the Milwaukee Bucks would beat LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and company.
The stones, and while that didn't happen (Heat in 4 happened) it became a rallying cry for the Bucks since then and all because of Jennings. This isn't the only reason Jennings is a stud. He's the patron saint of confidence because he played overseas instead of going to college and was still drafted high, dropped 55 points in his seventh career NBA game, and how he became a solid face of the franchise for a few years. He even came back in a victory lap to cap off the 2018 season where he almost messed around and got a triple-double. If you're ever lacking in confidence, look the Brandon Jennings for some guidance.
Russell Wilson: Patron Saint of the Transfer Portal
The Wisconsin Badgers have enjoyed great success in football. Running Back U has seen players like Ron Dayne, John Clay, Montee Ball, and James White tear it up behind a home grown line that equally puts out consistent NFL talent. One area Wisconsin was never able to shine in has been the most important position: quarterback. Sure guys like Jim Sorgi and Brooks Bollinger played well enough to have NFL careers, but no one was ever able to captivate the year quite like Wilson. The next best Wisconsin quarterback after Wilson is arguably Scott Tolzein, and while Tolzein did what he needed to, he was nothing spectacular. For as good as Wisconsin has been, they've been losing the collegiate quarterback battle to a school like Purdue (Drew Brees, Kyle Orton, Curtis Painter, Bob Griese just to name a few). Then Wilson came put together a dynamic year. He threw for 3,175 yards at a 72.8 completion percentage clip with a mix of 33 TDs and 4 INTs. Not too shabby. Wilson also ran for 338 yards and 6 TDs and almost became a living legend falling just short of beating Oregon in the Rose Bowl, 38-45. For one year, Wisconsin got a taste of what having a good quarterback was like, and it was great. God bless Russell Wilson for somehow choosing Wisconsin and giving us a taste of what it's like to have a complete team.
Jake Kumerow: Patron Saint of Blue Collars
The only bad thing about Kumerow is that he's from Wisconsin. The lesser known cousin to defensive powerhouses Nick and Joey Bosa, this 6'4" hairy giant played his way into every Packers' fans heart. Originally going to Illinois, he saw little playing time and eventually transferred to UW-Whitewater. There he totaled 158 receptions, 2,648 yards, and 36 TDs. After spending a few years with the Bengals and Patriots practice squads he stumbled his way onto the Packers practice squad in late 2017. He started the 2018 season with the Packers and after a 52 yd TD in one week followed by an 82 yd in the next, he got every Packers fan fantasizing about him taking the throne left by Jordy Nelson (I think we all know why). In 2019 he hasn't seen a ton of playing time catching only 12 passes for 219 yards and 1 TD. Still he's young and beloved in Wisconsin all around, so I wouldn't plan on seeing him gone anytime soon. Other fun fact: he's the great-grandson of Chicago mob boss Tony Accardo. I don't know how to connect this to Jake and how it's good for the Packers except that killing Chicago is in his blood (not that they've needed help lately, shout out to Mitch).
Markus Howard: Patron Saint of Buckets
Many people think that they are buckets. Tyler Herro does (he probably is). Michael Beasley said so when he went to New York (was at one point but definitely not at that point in his career). Almost anyone I've ever played basketball with at the K at UWM thinks they are (light years away from bucket status). There are three men who I, with extreme bias, will say are buckets. Those men are Jamaal Crawford, Carsen Edwards (I'm a Purdue fan if you couldn't tell), and Markus Howard. Markus Howard was put on this earth for one thing and that is getting buckets. Assists, steals, being a loving family member, a great member of society? Maybe, but he for certain is here to get buckets. This guy played 22 minutes a game his freshman year, averaged 13.2 points, and shot 54.7%!!!!! from 3 (for reference I shot 38.9% from the free throw line my junior year of high school. Markus Howard and I are not similar people). Who does that??? His junior year which earned him some All-American honors as well as Big East Player of the Year he dropped a cool 25, 4, 3.9, while shooting 40.3% from 3. The man can score. Don't believe me? I have videos.
There's like 5 more videos just like this one if this one did not satisfy your DBI (Daily Buckets Intake). I cannot remember a man so viscerally destroying another team quite like Howard has and at 5'11". Yes I'm aware of Curry's tournament run and Jimmer's as well, but Howard has done this over a much longer stretch of time than Fredette and in a tougher conference than Curry and more efficiently. Howard never dipped below 40% from 3 for a year. Obviously Curry is an all time great basketball player especially in the NBA, but Howard doesn't stray too far from him and he is one that Wisconsin can claim as its own. Here's to you Markus Howard. May your buckets fall as swift as Trubisky's fantasy stock.
Nyjer Morgan: Patron Saint of Plushdamentals
Bring me your weary and sick and broken in spirit. Give me your cast off. For not all are lost causes. When faced with adversity, we do not have to worry. For we the few know the answer. Hear what it is with the divine words spoken by our leader, Tony Plush.
Couldn't have said it any better. Much like Sir Tony Plush tried to "tickle" the ball into the outfield, we too must "tickle" what life gives us into the outfield. I've never felt so good having a guy on a team I cheered for that I knew everyone hated. He oozed swagger, and not only was this man arguably the most entertaining Brewer of the 2000s, he gave us a walk-off single to advance the 2011 Brewers to the NLCS. While he might be crazy and lead a small Tony Plush cult during his time here, he added life to a fantastic 2010s Brewers roster. Speaking of cults. . .
Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila: Patron Saint of Leadership
As a child I vaguely remember Packers players from those early to mid 2000s teams but one thing I do remember was the KGB was a beast (and a fun name to say as a kid). From 2000-2004 he posted double digit sacks with a high of 13.5 with 47 tackles in all the years except 2000 when he dropped 24. Pro Bowler in 2003 and Packers Hall of Famer in 2013, KGB was a guy every once in a while I thought,"Man that guy was great. Not as good as Reggie but still a great Packer." Then Christmas 2019 hit.
This article details what happened as well as an interview with KGB on his thoughts on what went down on how his religious group is being viewed as aftermath. I for one, never saw this coming. If there was any Wisconsin sports player who I thought would have a successful cult, I would've said Larry Sanders (Shout out Nappy Gilmore, one of my all-time Bucks favorites). With that being said though, you almost have to tip your cap to someone who gets a cult up and running, it's not an easy thing to do. So while I disagree with him on almost everything he is saying, you cannot question his leadership.
I think that completes the list for a while. We can't be to eager to offer Wisconsin canonization to everyone. There are plenty of good candidates that I think we will see in a few years. Pat Connaughton is all-time candidate for patron saint of sneaky athleticism (also I saw him at a BP downtown once, no big deal). I would put Donald Driver, but that man is like an actual saint: I am confident in saying that I would follow that man anywhere in the world. Who else do you guys think should be canonized in Wisconsin folklore. Let me know for the another potential round of induction. In the mean time I'll keep emailing the pope and see what we can do about adding a few new saints to the mix.
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